Most of the stress and conflict people experience is related to their interactions with other people.
In most cases, people violate other people’s standards because people usually believe their way of thinking is “the right way” and the world would be a better place if everyone just behaved according to those standards.
This situation leads people to pushing their values and beliefs on others and sometimes engaging in controlling or manipulative behavior to force others to change. This leads to conflict and resentment between people. It is also a very unwise approach to human interaction.
People who seek to control others usually lack understanding of human nature. Sometimes these people also have personality disorders or suffer from mental illness.
Individual people prefer to do things voluntarily and feel like they are making their own decisions. This is why teenagers rebel against their parents. People don’t like to feel stuck under another person’s thumb.
In the business world, you might find employers with the most loyal workers often give them the most freedom. Employers who micromanage might experience more frequent turnover due to people feeling suffocated by their lack of freedom.
This is also why dictators, religious leaders and slave owners always had to use either fear or physical force to control those beneath them. They understand part of human nature is to crave some level of independence and personal freedom. Thus, they understand once you put your foot on the tiger’s neck, you better keep it there and fear is often the only way.
Smart leaders let their followers come to them voluntarily, rather than enforcing strict rules upon them. Much like an exclusive club everyone wants to join. Smart leaders inspire others and lead by example. If you wish to change or influence the behavior of others, this is the only effective way. You have to show them how your leadership will benefit them. You have to have qualities they wish to have themselves or at the very least, be someone they honor or respect.
You cannot control someone who doesn’t admire you or believe in you without using fear. No one admires those who try to control them because people know instinctively that the need for control is born out of fear, insecurity and, ironically, a lack of control. These are traits no one admires. And without admirers, you cannot have followers.
In relationships, it is best to keep the good and discard the bad. Similar to how you would approach the produce section at a supermarket. You would never try to turn a rotten apple into a fresh one. And you would probably only buy a rotten apple if starvation was the alternative. This is what the controlling person is communicating to those whom they seek to control. They are saying, “no one will follow me willingly, so I have to force them”.